Hello. My name is Tamsin and I am a sugar addict.
I'm currently writing this as I wait for some customers to arrive for a meeting - however calling my name from the office kitchen is a pile of sugary sweet, beautiful cakes. Sweet sicilian lemon, creamy chocolatey sponge and sweet marzipan covered battenburgs, all bite size and ready to stuff into your mouth with no-one needing to know.
Oh my god.
They're all I can think about, and it scares me. I've always prided myself on overcoming my addictive personality (OCD runs in the family and it used to come out in me very badly as a child, these days - apart from my sugar addiction, you probably wouldn't know) but my sugar cravings are scarily bad, and constant. Like a junkie craving a fix, a smoker needing a puff or an alcoholic wanting a drink I really just can't help myself. If it's there -I will eat it, I'm worried to miss out as if I'll never have the opportunity to indulge in something sweet ever again. My relationship with sugar is undoubtedly an addiction, and I think many others suffer from the same affliction - maybe without even realising. Foods these days all come prepackaged, with extra added sugar to make it extra tasty and to keep us coming back for more. All through our childhoods good behaviour is rewarded or disappointments soothed with something sweet - reinforcing a negative relationship with sugar. We have become dependent on it.
I started to write this post as a distraction, to stop myself from going to the kitchen and raiding the cupboard. First off the cakes have been brought in to serve to our visiting customers & how bad would that look if I scoffed the lot, but secondly why do I need it? I'm not at all hungry. I started The Body Coach's 90 Days Shift, Shape & Sustain plan this week to help beat my habit, so i've just had a chocolatey protein shake as a snack. The meals are nutritious and delicious and the portions have been filling me up wondrously, however even after a mega portion of protein (where I've even had to take breaks to finish my meals) when I'm feeling ultra stuffed I still can't beat that feeling of 'now, what else?'
I'm finding the plan both easy and difficult at the same time. I'm enjoying the meals but preparation is definitely key - yesterday's attempt was scuppered though. After one successful sugar free day, I stumbled yesterday as I came across a shop's own brand KitKat in the coffee room. I knew it would be disgusting - cheap chocolate that doesn't even measure up to a real KitKat and yet I still ate it and felt guilty for the rest of the day. Guilty, that is until we had our online food shopping order messed up - we had bags of baby products delivered instead of my Joe Wicks approved ingredients for my week's meals. Tesco soon rectified the delivery, but as a way of apology they included a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of luxury chocolates....! It's like the universe is against me - even as I try to be good a box of sugary temptation is presented to me for free! I ate 7 of them and felt even guiltier. Obviously not guilty enough to just not go near them though. And I'll fully admit that I've already succumbed to my sugary cravings this morning - having one small lemon cake as I made the morning teas. Another day ruined. The obvious thing to say is that it just a slip up - I don't need to write the day off, however I feel like i'm making the same mistakes day after day after day and I can't seem to break the cycle. Maybe it's just these two days - who ever gets a free box of chocolates, and we rarely have customers visit who require a buffet lunch. I think I just need to draw a line underneath it and strive to do better this weekend - after all, the chocolate has now all been eaten.
This is the beauty of having a plan to stick to - although I feel disappointed in myself today, as I follow my plan I know i will make fewer and fewer mistakes, and it's nice to be able to take the thinking out of meal preparation. My aim for today will be to be good and after that I can start again. It is after all only Day 4 of Cycle 1. I will slip up, I am human and this is meant to be a journey, and the most worthwhile journeys are never meant to be just smooth and plain sailing. What lessons would we ever learn if everything was easy? But if I feel like I'm going to slip up again in the future then I can now come back to this blog, read it & see the promises I made myself and the way I felt when I did succumb to temptation. I'll maybe let you know how I get on this weekend!